This is your friendly news reporter coming to you from the studios of KMOS located in beautiful downtown Middle of Somewhere, KS, which by the way is just over the hill (1.3 miles) down the road from the Middle of Nowhere. Beautiful morning here today. Winds calm, 20 degrees, partly cloudy skies, or is it partly sunny? Has to be partly cloudy because the sun shines all the time, right? Oh well, moving right on now--On the national scene--as usual there isn't anything worth reporting. Had heard rumors that there were thoughts of changing the name of Washington DC to Disneyland North (just a rumor). I can't see that happening anytime soon as someone there would have to make a decision...just thinking. Can't see anything else earth shattering. Oh yes, on the world scene--it has been discovered that the Himalayas are not melting! Studies show that not much has changed in the past decade. Wow, that is earth shattering! I'm sure everybody will sleep better tonite with that piece of important information.
Enough of all that exciting stuff. On to the local news--I have to make an apology to Leroy down on the crick. In an earlier report I had mentioned some bad smelling smoke coming from Leroy's way. Thought maybe he was smoking that ditchweed again. Turns out it was just another neighbor burning weeds and cow patties in the feed lot. So, sorry Leroy. ( Actually it smelt better than what he usually smokes!) Moving right along here--Some official looking people in uniforms showed up at Uncle Festus's place the other day. Guessthey were game wardens. Seems nobody ever informed Uncle Festus that there was such a thing as a hunting season. Word is when they asked him who that deer belonged to hanging in the shed, he told them it must be theirs since they knew it was there. They didn't find a whole lot of humor in the statement. After a lot of arguing and flashing of guns, (on Uncle Festus's part) it was determined that it must have been a tragic case of deer suicide. Been a lot of that lately. Those deer, despondent over the lack of food from a dry year, are going into barns and sheds looking for food. When they don't find any, they just seem to string themselves up and then somehow they just shoot themselves. Really a sad deal. Fish and game people have investigated quite a few cases this winter. Nobody seems to know how they know about the hanging deer. There may be a snake in the woodpile around here. We don't know. Some think it has something to do with those black helicopters that fly over every once in a while. Coffee shop talk was that they belonged to some celebrity traveling incognito. Probably just looking for land to put buffalo on. Maybe we were wrong, but surely the government wouldn't stoop to spying on us would they. Boy that just shakes my soul clear to the bottom. I may not even be able to continue.
Ok, I'm better now. Old Tom from up on the south divide just stopped by the studio. He brought by some of his latest aged "apple cider". Aged since last nite in a mayo jar on his front porch. He had some from this morning also, but the aged stuff is a lot better. It will just take all your frets a toss them to the wind. I feel so much better that I even forgot what was bothering me. Oh well, guess it don't really matter now.
I see by the sun hitting the side of the house that I am out of time. Didn't even get to to the hog report and other good stuff.
Till next time, this is your loyal reporter signing off and returning you to your regularly scheduled program.