News Report

Good morning ladies and gentlemen.  Welcome to the Morning News Report coming from the studios of KMOS studios located in beautiful downtown ***** Kansas.  Beautiful morning out there this morning.  I see by looking out the back window that the weather rock is hanging straight down, which tells me it is clear and calm.  For those first time listeners, we are located in the Middle of Somewhere, just about 1.3 miles east over the hill from the Middle of Nowhere.

It has been a while since we have been on the air.  Had something to do with permits and some other things that don't make sense.  Anyway men in dark suits came in and shut us down for a while.  They had no sense of humor, especially when we offered them an evening of dining and relaxation at Uncle Tom's Spa and Educational Film Emporium.  Which brings us to our first and only commercial of the morning.  Visit Uncle Tom's Spa and Educational Film Emporium for an evening of fine relaxation and some fine entertainment.  Plenty of films for in-house viewing while enjoying the Spa.  Films also available for private parties, bachelor, bachelorette parties, Bar Mitzvahs, or whatever.   Uncle Tom's Elixer of the Fruit is some of the best. He brought some by this morning.  It was from a good year also--September 19, 2012.  It just gives me chills to think about it.  He also has some new employees at the Spa.  Just imported from Juarez.  Supposed to very experienced in their trade.

Moving right along, I attended the morning Coffee hour over at the Lodge hall this morning.  All eight people from town were there which means there will be no obituary report today.  Wasn't a whole lot of gossip this morning.  With the drought and all, there hasn't been much else to talk about.  I guess Ole Willy Whipdinger from up in Rattlesnake Draw has been having some problems with the hoot owls bothering the chickens.  Seems like ever since his old rooster died, them hens have trying to attract anything with feathers.   Oh well, it is kind of isolated up there.

The lodge held their second annual cow chip throwing,  hog roast, and dance last Saturday night.  The first annual was held last spring.  It was so successful they decided to have another.  Word is there might even be the third annual yet this year.  Kind of a holiday festival.  I guess this one was a real success also.  I didn't partake of all the festivities.  Well, at least my wife doesn't think I did.   I was on "special assignment" that night.   You know, election year and all,  lots of stuff to report on!  HeHeHeHe.  I will have a  more complete report at a later time.  After everything kind of cools down.

NEWS FLASH--- dit-duh-dit-dit-dit-duh-dit--Uncle Tom just reported that there has been some activity up around his place in Moonshine Hollow.  Black heliocopters with darkened windows keep flyng around.  Might slow up manufacturing of his "cider" and "elixer."  Seems every time he sees the choppers flying around, men in dark suits, sunglasses and talking into their wrists show up.  Uncle Tom says they remind him of Dick Tracy.   Anyway they ask a lot of stupid questions.  They keep talking about revenue taxes or something.  He's not sure what they are talking about.  He has always paid hus taxes, well most of them anyway.  I guess some of his product will be aged now.   At least two or three days.  Hope the corks don't blow before he can get it to town.

Time to sign off now.  We return you to our regular program already in progress--How to Disguise Hoot Owl meat for chicken.

God Bless-johnnyb